A Humorous Field Guide to Climate Change Deniers and Anti-Environmentalist Species

by Debbie L. Miller

Photo by Sophie Backes on Unsplash

If 73% of Americans say they believe in climate change, what about the other 27%? Who are they and how can you spot them? Get out your binoculars. Here’s a rundown of the major species.

• The Flat Earther (Flaterus Worlderus). Usually spotted at Home Depot buying sheetrock to build an underground bunker to protect self from hoardes of liberal environmentalists they believe are coming to get them. Wears a tool belt, goggles, and leather gloves. Is vehemently anti-science. Sometimes seen in gatherings with Fake News Fanatics (see below).

* The Baby Maker (Nobirth Controlius). Flocks in large groups. This species can be spotted with a line of 10 or more children following them. Often seen driving gas-guzzling SUVs with stick-figure cut-outs on every window and bumper stickers that read, “What overpopulation?” It’s mating song sounds like, “Do me, do me!” Reproduces annually.

* The Greenpeace Hater. (Snowflake Aversionius). This species is often spotted on city sidewalks, punching out earnest Millennial Greenpeace petitioners. Plumage is dark. It’s distinctive “Die, Snowflake!” cry can be heard…