A Field Guide to Climate Change Deniers and Other Anti-Environmentalists
by Debbie L. Miller
If 73% of Americans believe in climate change, what about the other 27%? Who are they and how can you spot them? Get out your binoculars. Here’s a rundown of the major species.
- The Flat Earther (Flaterus Worlderus). Usually spotted at Home Depot buying sheetrock to build an underground bunker to protect self from hoardes of liberal environmentalists they believe are coming to get them. Wears a tool belt, goggles, and leather gloves. Is vehemently anti-science. Sometimes seen in gatherings with Fake News Fanatics (see below).
* The Baby Maker (Nobirth Controlius). Flocks in large groups. This species can be spotted with a line of 10 or more children following them. Often seen driving gas-guzzling SUVs with stick-figure cut-outs on every window and bumper stickers that read, “What overpopulation?” It’s mating song sounds like, “Do me, do me!” Reproduces annually.
* The Greenpeace Hater. (Snowflake Aversionius). This species is often spotted on city sidewalks, punching out earnest Millennial Greenpeace petitioners. Plumage is dark. It’s distinctive “Die, Snowflake!” cry can be heard a mile away.
* The Celebrity Imbecile (Richperson Hypocritus). Frequents tv talk shows where spouts off self-aggrandizing information to flaunt its alleged concerns about the planet. Wears a baseball cap sporting the words “I Love Planet Earth,” while traveling with an entourage sporting designer Styrofoam coffee cups and plastic water bottles.
* The Non-Recycler (Garbage Overomius). A commonly-occurring nocturnal breed with a habit of tossing paper, bottles, and other recyclables into garbage cans with non-compostable trash in the middle of the night. Wears binoculars around neck to be on the lookout for city garbage trucks. Spends most of their time alone; rarely spotted in groups.
* The Corporate Hack (Liarus Pantsonfirus). Often appears in large gatherings, touting the alleged benefits of fossil fuel. Its bright green plumage is the color of dollar bills. Usually flies in pairs in private jets or drives large automobiles. Highly verbal. Says greenwashing is a lie and believes polar bears serve no purpose other than acting in Coca Cola commercials at Christmastime.
- The Fake News Fanatic (Rush Limbaughomius). This species spends most of its time in motionless repose like its cousin the now extinct Couch Potatus Uninterruptus, fixated on observing its fellow fanatics on FOX NEWS who spout hatred toward environmental activists. Proceed with caution; may be armed and extremely dangerous. Has been known to attack when it feels threatened by the liberal left and tree huggers.
Debbie L. Miller is a Brooklyn, New York comedy writer. She likes carrot cake and raccoons. https://www.DebbieLMillerComedy.com