An Open Letter of Apology to My Fellow Drivers: From Brooklyn’s Worst
They say if you can drive in New York City, you can drive anywhere.
I’ve been feeling bad about my poor driving skills and want to apologize.
Yesterday when you were behind me at a red light, you honked a full minute because I wouldn’t let you pass, then you made a U-turn and took out my front grill. You’d probably just woken up from an opioid-induced sleep and maybe hadn’t had your coffee yet. You totally let me know it was my fault. Message received. You were probably just in a hurry to get to your Tinder date. I’m sorry I ignored you. I should’ve driven through the red light and given you the right of way. What’s the worst that could happen?
I also want to apologize to the driver who wanted to pass me last week on a quiet residential street. I was going the speed limit, but you were doing close to 80 and wanted to pass. I’m sorry I refused to let you. I’m sure you were on your way to your weekly poker game and I was responsible for you losing a lot of money.
And, I’m sorry for having such sensitive hearing. When you pulled up next to me at the light yesterday and your music was so loud the ground was shaking and my eardrums were bleeding, I rolled up my windows, instead of singing along and giving you a thumbs up on your excellent taste in music. Mea culpa.
Most of you are not only excellent, but creative drivers, so I would never want to stifle that creativity by suggesting you obey traffic laws and refrain from endangering my life. I completely understand that even though there are stoplights, the rule about stopping on red is just a suggestion. Driving through a red light is a bold and creative act and I apologize if I got in the way and made you late for the appointment with your hooker.
I’m such a weenie! This is Brooklyn and you have to be tough to live here. You know how they say that if you can drive in New York City, you can drive anywhere? You were probably just trying to toughen me up when you took out my headlight with that sledge hammer when I put on my turn signal and pulled over to help my elderly aunt out of the car. I was raised in the Midwest, where drivers are said to be courteous, so I need to be more polite. After all, I’m the guest here.
I know you only seem in a hurry because your time is valuable and you’re doing important things, so I need to relax and go with the flow. If you’re tailgating, especially when I’m about to turn a corner and slow down to let some elderly couple with walkers cross, I shouldn’t be alarmed if you lay on the horn. I suppose it’s silly of me to let them cross; I should probably just drive over them. After all, Brooklyn’s population is two and a half million. Who’s going to miss a few seniors?
And, last, I want to apologize for getting angry when the ambulance was bearing down on us at a busy intersection yesterday. You stayed in the center lane when the paramedics tried to squeeze between your car and mine. I pulled over to the right as far as I could, but now realize there was no reason I couldn’t have driven up onto the sidewalk, even though a woman was pushing a baby stroller and walking her puppy.
That was poor judgment on my part. If a police car had been there, I’m sure I would have gotten a well-deserved violation. You were certainly within your rights to cause a massive pileup and prevent that heart attack victim from getting to the Emergency Room. I’m sorry for any inconvenience you may have suffered at my hands because of my selfishness and I’m sorry I gave you the finger and yelled, “Fuck You!” I’ll try to do better.
The Worst Driver in Brooklyn
Debbie L. Miller writes from Brooklyn, where she writes comedy and satire, eats carrot cake, and watches the raccoon squatters on her fire escape.