A Letter from a New York Chef to My Stupid Critics and Customers
by Debbie L. Miller
[This piece originally appeared in The Stop Gap Magazine.]
By Debbie L. Miller
Idiots,
I write regarding the litany of complaints, accusations, and falsehoods perpetrated about my establishment.
To address the inane confusion over my No Reservations policy here at Mawby’s All-American Tribeca, a number of you have complained about long lines. Like cattle who are too stupid to come inside from the rain, you stand in line for five hours in sub-zero weather for the privilege — I suggest you use your time more efficiently and do something more productive.
To the 30-member wedding party that claims it was “violently ill” after dining at my restaurant, you obviously contracted a virus somewhere, and to imply that food poisoning was the culprit is absurd. The 35 Health Department violations to which you so glibly refer were never verified. In fact, your nitwit party is to blame for exposing my staff to pathogens. You owe me an apology and $11,587 incurred in lost revenue as a result of your negligence. My attorneys will be in touch, assholes.
To certain members of my kitchen staff: you have accused me of luring you into sex acts in the walk-in cooler in…
