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What Americans Really Did with Their Pandemic Stimulus Checks

Debbie Lynn Miller

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By Debbie L. Miller

Do you long for the pandemic when inflation was under control and we got hefty government payouts? 80% of Americans claim they used their stimulus checks to pay off debt and save. Don’t you believe it! Here’s what really went down.

* Joined Costco. For the toilet paper. Average purchase, fifteen 20-packs. Storage no problem because ingenious individuals built their T.P. into sofas and armchairs.

* Bought baking accoutrements and created a 24-layer tiered cupcake wedding cake and a birthday cake shaped like Stewie from Family Guy.

* Got that Balenciaga handbag they’ve always wanted! Next pandemic — matching Manolo Blahnik heels!

* Bought a sewing machine and attempted to make matching sweatpants for the entire family, including the chihuahua. Machine is now sitting in closet covered with 50 yards of gray flannel.

* Booked pre-paid appointments for a nose job, tummy tuck, and year’s worth of Botox.

* Bought a 3,000-piece jigsaw puzzle of a basket of puppies and then got a real basket of puppies.

* Splurged on a series of traps and cages to raise raccoons (after returning the puppies).

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Debbie Lynn Miller
Debbie Lynn Miller

Written by Debbie Lynn Miller

Brooklyn comedy/satire/humor writer & journaliat is published in Belladonna Comedy, Frazzled, The Haven, The StopGap, Greener Pastures, & The Syndrome Magazine.

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