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What Americans Really Did with Their Pandemic Stimulus Checks
By Debbie L. Miller
Do you long for the pandemic when inflation was under control and we got hefty government payouts? 80% of Americans claim they used their stimulus checks to pay off debt and save. Don’t you believe it! Here’s what really went down.
* Joined Costco. For the toilet paper. Average purchase, fifteen 20-packs. Storage no problem because ingenious individuals built their T.P. into sofas and armchairs.
* Bought baking accoutrements and created a 24-layer tiered cupcake wedding cake and a birthday cake shaped like Stewie from Family Guy.
* Got that Balenciaga handbag they’ve always wanted! Next pandemic — matching Manolo Blahnik heels!
* Bought a sewing machine and attempted to make matching sweatpants for the entire family, including the chihuahua. Machine is now sitting in closet covered with 50 yards of gray flannel.
* Booked pre-paid appointments for a nose job, tummy tuck, and year’s worth of Botox.
* Bought a 3,000-piece jigsaw puzzle of a basket of puppies and then got a real basket of puppies.
* Splurged on a series of traps and cages to raise raccoons (after returning the puppies).
* Planned a trip to the ice hotel in Sweden and proposed marriage to a complete stranger to avoid going alone.
* Stockpiled 55 cases of Oreo Double Stuf. (Costco again.)
* Put a down payment on a DIY airplane kit to build in the garage. Time to tackle that acrophobia.
* Invested in a racehorse. Waiting for the dough to roll in now that the tracks have reopened.
* Scored 2,000 packs of Ramen noodles. Chock-full of TBHQ and MSG, they last forever. (Yay Costco!)
* Invested $3,000 in purple Patti Platypus and Princess Diana ty Beanie Babies.
* Bought 535 owl salt and pepper shakers on eBay.
* Bitcoin, Baby!
